After they had finished dessert, the father
said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted
to tell you for a long time. You see we were very poor.
Despite this, we were able to send each of you to
college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew
that we loved each other very much but we just never
found the time to get married."
The three children
gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yes," said
the father. "And cheap ones too."
~ * ~
The young mother had been teaching her three-year old
daughter the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at
bedtime. The child would repeat the lines from the
prayer.
One day, she decided to go solo. The mother
listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each
word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not
into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from
E-mail.
~ * ~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother,
Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled,
sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had
had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're
hushers."
~ * ~
DEFINITIONS
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all
inventions.
Boss: Someone who is
early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the
other.
Classic: A book that people
praise, but do not read.
College: A
place where some pursue learning and others learn
pursuing.
Committee: Individuals who
can do nothing individually and sit to decide that
nothing can be done
together.
Compromise: The art of
dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he
got the biggest piece.
Conference
Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody
listens and everybody disagrees later
on.
Conference: The confusion of one
man multiplied by the number
present.
Criminal: A guy no
different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Dictionary: A place where divorce
comes before marriage.
Diplomat: A
person who tells you to go to hell in such a way, that
you actually look forward to the
trip.
Divorce: Future tense of
marriage.
Doctor: A person who kills
your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt
before.
Etc.: A sign to make others
believe you know more than you actually
do.
Experience: The name men give to
their mistakes.
Father: A banker
provided by nature.
Lecture: An art
of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing
through "the minds of either".
Love
affairs: Something like cricket where one-day
internationals are more popular than a five-day
test.
Marriage: It's an agreement in
which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains
her master.
Miser: A person who
lives poor so that he can die
rich.
Office: A place where you can
relax after your strenuous home
life.
Opportunist: A person who
starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a
river.
Optimist: A person who while
falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "So far... so
good!"
Pessimist: A person who says
that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first
letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be
spoken of when dead.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after.
Smile: A curve
that can set a lot of things
straight.
Tears: The hydraulic force
by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine
waterpower.
Yawn: The only time some
married men ever get to open their mouth.
~ * ~
Taking the initiative, a girl proposes marriage to a
young man.
The young man refuses her saying, "In our
family, we only marry our relatives. My grandfather
married my grandmother, my father married my mother, my
brother married my sister-in-law and my uncle married my
aunt!"
~ * ~
Two friends go to a pub. After ordering two beers,
they take out sandwiches from their pocket and start
eating.
"You can't eat your own sandwiches here,"
complained the pub-owner.
Surprised,
they swap sandwiches and continue eating.
~ * ~
A man was very fond of reading detective novels, but
he always started reading from the middle. A friend of
his asked why he did so?
"It's doubly interesting",
said the man. "To start from the middle keeps one
curious not only about its conclusion but also about its
beginning."
~ * ~
On his way to office, a man slipped on a banana peel
and was badly hurt. Next day, again on his way to
office, he noticed two banana peels and exclaimed,
"Damn, there's a choice today!"
~ * ~
A man died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate,
Saint Peter told him that in order to gain admittance, a
prospective heavenly soul was required to answer two
questions:
- Name two days of the week that begin with
'T'.
- How many seconds are there in a
year?
The man thought for a few minutes and
answered...
- The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are
Today and Tomorrow.
- There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and
Tomorrow, and even though it's not the answer I
expected, your answer is correct. But how did you get
only 12 seconds in a year?"
The
man replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March
2nd...."
Saint Peter admitted him
without another word.
~ * ~
Dr Chopra, psychotherapist wanted a signboard painted
in front of his clinic. Unfortunately, the final product
read, "Dr Chorpa, Psycho the rapist".
~ * ~
BANK LOAN
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his
Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to
ask for an immediate loan of $ 5,000.
Taken aback,
the loan officer requested collateral. "Well, here are
the keys to my Rolls Royce", the man said.
The loan
officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's
underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $
5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the
bank's doors, and asked to settle his loan and get back
his car. "That will be $ 5,000 in principal, and $ 20.30
in interest", said the loan officer. The man wrote out a
cheque and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", said
the loan officer, "while you were gone, I found out that
you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need
to borrow $ 5,000?"
The man smiled and replied,
"Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan for
two weeks and pay only $20.30?"
~ * ~
HEARING AIDE
An elderly couple was driving across the country. The
woman was driving when she got pulled over by the
highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know
you were speeding?"
The woman turned to her husband
and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled,
"He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said,
"May I see your license?" The woman turned to her
husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man
yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave
him her license.
The patrolman said, "I see you are
from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on
a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did
he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows
you!"
~ * ~
LETTER FROM GRANDMA
The other day I went to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was
feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just
come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and
put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience
followed! I had stopped at a red light at a busy
intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and
how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I
found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me
started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of
this window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO!
Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was
for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out
of my window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to
share in the love! There must have been a man from
Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a
funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the
air. I asked my teenage grandson sitting in the back
seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian
good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone
from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the
good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing.
Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of
the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask
what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the
light had changed. So, I waved to all my brothers and
sisters and grinning, drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love
we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for
such wonderful folks!
Love, Grandma
~ * ~
An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a
physical check-up. A few days later, the doctor saw him
walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on
his arm.
During his next appointment, the doctor told
the old man, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor,
'Get a hot mama and be cheerful'."
The doctor said,
"I didn't say that! I said you have got a heart murmur.
Be careful!"
~ * ~
NEWS FLASH
A two-seater plane crashed in a graveyard today.
Locals have so far found 500 bodies and are still
digging for more.
~ * ~
AFTER RETIREMENT
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls
asleep on the couch.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being
called Seniors?
A. The term comes
with a 10% percent discount.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have
the time.
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean
out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they
do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff
there.
Q. What do retirees call a long
lunch?
A. Normal.
Q. What is the best way to describe
retirement?
A. The never ending
Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of
going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls
your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he
doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work
with?
A. He is too polite to tell
the whole truth.
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
(If you are not over 50, this is what you have to
look forward to)
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be
released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9:00 pm and ask, "Did I wake
you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension
plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a
challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter
who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally
beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than
the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because
they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
~ * ~
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you
can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
having a real good time like I am."
~ * ~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
the little boy sobbed all the way home in the back seat
of the car. His father asked him three times what was
wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted
to stay with you guys."
~ * ~
One four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our
baskets."
~ * ~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service, "And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little
girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~ * ~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin
5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would
get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity
for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He
would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can
wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~ * ~
A father was at the beach with his children when the
four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and
led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the
sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son
asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad
replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did
God throw him back down?"
~ * ~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table,
she turned to their six-year-old daughter and
said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I
wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just
say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these people to dinner?"
~ * ~
Man enters shop and shouts, "Where's my free gift
with this oil?"
Shopkeeper: "But sir, there's no free
gift with this."
Man: "Nonsense...its clearly
written here 'CHOLESTROL FREE'!"
TRUE
HEADS
When
everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter
Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make
two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of
their household, and the other line for the men who were
dominated by their women. I want all the women to report
to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone and there were
two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated
by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of
men who truly were heads of their household, there was
only one man.
God said, "You men should be
ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of
your household! You have been disobedient and not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed.
Learn from him." God turned to the one man and asked,
"How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand
here."
~ *
~
THE TRUTHS OF LIFE
1. Don't worry
about what people think; they don't do it very
often.
2. Going to church
doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.
3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
4. If you must choose
between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
5. If you look like your
passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
6. A conscience is what
hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
7. A balanced diet is a
cookie in each hand.
8. Middle
age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
9. Opportunities look bigger going than
coming.
10. Junk is something
you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before
you need it.
11. Experience is a
wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
12. When
you can make ends meet, they move the
ends.
Courtesy www.seniorresource.com
Featured in Harmony Magazine
April 2006
A couple
from Delhi decided to go to Goa for a long weekend to
thaw out during a particularly cold winter. Because both
had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel
schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to
Goa and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon
arriving, the husband checked into the hotel and decided
to send his wife an email back in Delhi. However, he
accidentally omitted one letter in her address, and sent
the email. Meanwhile, in Mumbai, a widow had just
returned from her husband's funeral. She checked her
email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The message
read:
To: My loving
wife
From: Your departed
husband
Subject: I've
arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see
that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is
hot down here!
~ * ~
A
gentleman in his mid-90s, very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel,
smelling of a good aftershave, walks into an upscale
cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is a lady in her
mid-80s. The gentleman walks over, sits beside her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says: "So
tell me, do I come here often?"
~ *
~
When Mr Shastri went for his
annual medical check-up, the doctor asked him if there
was anything unusual he should know about. Mr Shastri
told the doctor that he found it really strange how his
best suit must have shrunk just sitting in his closet -
it didn't fit when he tried it on
recently.
"Suits don't shrink," said the doctor.
"You probably just put on a few pounds."
Mr
Shastri replied, "That's just it. I know I haven't
gained a single pound since the last time I wore
it."
"Well, then," said the doctor, "you must
have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the
world is Furniture Disease?"
"Furniture Disease
is when you reach that stage in life when your chest
starts sliding down into your drawers."
~ * ~
After
examining his 75 year-old patient, the general physician
said, "You're in remarkable shape for a man your age."
"Yes, I know," said the gentleman. "I have only
one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Is there
anything you can do for that?"
"Your what?!"
gasped the doctor.
"My sex drive," repeated the
man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it
if you can."
"Lower it?" the doctor exclaimed.
"Why on earth would you want to do that? And just what
do you consider 'high'?"
"These days, it seems
like it's all in my head," said the man. "I'd like to
have you lower it a couple of feet if you
can."
Featured in Harmony Magazine
March
2006
Two
women met for the first time since graduating from
college. "You were always so organised in college," one
asked the other. "Did you manage to live a well-planned
life?"
"Yes," replied her friend. "My first
marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to
an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now
I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do your marriages have to do with a well-planned
life?"
Her answer: "One for the money, two for
the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
~ *
~
FEELING OLD?
Maybe it's true that life begins at 50. But
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread
out.
There are three signs of old age. The first
is your loss of memory, the other two I
forget.
You're getting old when you don't care
where your spouse goes, as long as you don't have to go
along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun
and fun a lot more work.
Middle age is when you
have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to
grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin;
I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
A
man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow
down by his doctor instead of by the
police.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As
you grow older, it will avoid you.
You're getting
old when getting lucky means you find your car in the
parking lot.
You're getting old when you wake up
with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do
anything the night before.
It's hard to be
nostalgic when you can't remember.
~ * ~
REMEMBER WHEN
A computer was something on TV
from a
science fiction show of note
A window was something
you hated to clean
Ram was the cousin of a
goat
And Meg was the name of a friend.
An
application was for employment
A program was a TV
show
A keyboard was a piano
And memory was
something
you lost with age.
If you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you
hoped nobody found out
And if you unzipped anything
in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was
adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on
the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a
backup happened
to your commode.
Cut you did
from class
Paste you did with glue
A web was a
spider's home
And a virus was the
flu.
Courtesy http://www.seniorresource.com/
Featured
in Harmony Magazine
February 2006
A little old
lady was selling seashells on a street corner. One day,
a well-dressed man passed by her and she grabbed his
arm. "How about some nice seashells?" she asked. "No,
thank you," the man replied.
Suddenly, the woman
clutched her throat and fell to the pavement. "What's
wrong?" asked the man. "I think this might be it for
me," the old woman wheezed. "Please buy some of my
seashells." Deeply touched, the man handed over enough
money for all the shells just before her eyes slid
peacefully shut.
The next day, the man was
walking down the street and saw the woman again vending
her seashells. "Hey," he yelled to a police officer. "I
thought she passed away yesterday." The officer smiled
knowingly. "Ah, but you were conned," he replied. "You
see, she sells seashells by the seizure."
~ * ~
Mr Arora recently went to a new doctor. After two
visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor told him he
was doing fairly well for his age. A little concerned
about that comment, Mr Arora couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do
you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no," replied Mr
Arora. "I've never done either."
Then he asked,
"Do you eat red meat?" Mr Arora said, "No, I've heard
that it isn't healthy." The doctor asked his next
question: "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
playing golf from morning until evening?" Yet again, Mr
Arora answered, "No." The doctor asked, "Do you gamble,
drive fast cars, or fool around with sex?" "No," said Mr
Arora, "I've never done any of those things." The doctor
looked at him slowly, hesitated for a moment, then
asked, "Then, why in the heck do you want to live to be
80?"
~ * ~
An
elderly gentleman was on the operating table awaiting
surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned
surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get
the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes,
Dad, what is it?" His father replied, "Don't be nervous,
son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go
well, if something happens to me, your mother is going
to come and live with you and your wife."
~ * ~
After
dying in a car crash, three friends went to heaven. They
were all asked the same question: "When you are in your
casket, and friends and family are mourning over you,
what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responded, "I would
like to hear them say that I was one of the great
doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The
second guy said, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and schoolteacher who made a huge
difference in our children of tomorrow."
The
last guy thought for a minute and replied, "I'd like to
hear them say. 'Look, he's moving!'"
Featured in
Harmony Magazine
January 2006
~ * ~
Three
sisters ' 92, 94 and 95 years old ' were living
together. The oldest went upstairs one evening to bathe.
As she was getting in the tub, she called down to her
sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?"
The 94-year-old decided to go upstairs to help. She got
to the third step and stopped, then called out, "Was I
going up the stairs or down?" The youngest sister,
sitting at the kitchen table, knocked on wood and said,
"I hope I never get as bad as my sisters." A second
later, she wondered, "Was that the front door or the
back door?"
~ * ~
A
little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that
her mother had several strands of white in her hair. She
looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your
hair white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time
that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,
one hair turns white." The little girl thought about
this revelation for a while, and then said, "So, Mom,
you must have been a really bad girl as grandma's head
is all white."
~ * ~
A
dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art
exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth is
that?" she enquired of the artist standing nearby. He
smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child." "Well, then," snapped the
lady, "Why isn't it?"
Featured in Harmony Magazine
December
2005
Three sons
left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting
back together, they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built
her a big house." The second said, "I sent her a
Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "You
remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know
she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable
parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in
the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name
the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites
it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of
thanks: "Chris," she wrote to one son, "The house you
built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to
clean the whole house."
"John," she wrote to
another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the
time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Michael," she wrote
to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what
your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
~ * ~
An
80-year-old man's golf game was hampered by poor
eyesight. He could hit the ball well but he couldn't see
where it went. So his doctor teamed him up with a
90-year-old man who had perfect eyesight and was willing
to go along to serve as a spotter. The 80-year-old man
hit the first ball and asked his companion if he saw
where it landed. "Yes," said the 90-year-old. "Where did
it go?" the 80-year-old demanded. The 90-year old
replied, "I don't remember."
~ * ~
Mrs
Nair went into the doctor's office. When the doctor
asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have
some birth-control pills." Quite surprised, the doctor
thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs
Nair, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could
you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded,
"They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some
more and continued, "How in the world do birth-control
pills help you sleep?" Mrs Nair said, "I put them in my
granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at
night."
~ * ~
An
old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.
So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting
in her chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you
hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little
closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still,
there was no response. Finally, he moved right behind
her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She replied,
"For the third time, yes!"
Featured in Harmony
Magazine
November 2005
A wise old
gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school
year began. The very next afternoon three young boys,
full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his
street, beating merrily on every trash can they
encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after
day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time
to take some action.
The next afternoon, he
walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way
down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a
lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance
like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I
was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you
each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day
and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued
to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a
few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. "Falling interest
rates are putting a big dent in my income," he told
them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50
cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were
obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and
continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the
wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their
way down the street. "Look," he said, "I am really broke
now, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than
25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"Are you serious?"
the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to
waste our time, beating these cans around for just 25
cents in the afternoon, you're nuts! No way. We
quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
~ * ~
An
elderly woman decided to prepare her will and make her
final requests. She told her priest she had a final
request. She wanted her ashes scattered over the local
shopping mall. "The shopping mall!" the priest
exclaimed. "Why?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters
will visit me twice a week."
Featured in Harmony
Magazine
October 2005
A
reporter was interviewing a 104-year-old woman and asked
her, "What do you think is the best thing about being
104?" She replied, "No peer pressure."
~ *
~
Worried because they hadn't heard
anything for days from the elderly lady in the
neighbouring apartment, Mrs Sharma said to her son,
"Aditya, would you go next door and see how old Mrs
Chopra is?"
A few minutes later, Aditya returned.
"Well," asked Mrs Sharma, "is she all
right?"
"She's fine, except that she's angry with
you."
"With me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever
for?"
"She said, 'It's none of your business how old
she is'," snickered Aditya.
~ * ~
As a
senior citizen was driving down the highway, his mobile
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on the Western Express
Highway. Please be careful!" "Heck," he replied, "it's
not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
~ * ~
You
know you're getting older when...
Everything that
works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work
You
feel like the morning after, and you haven't been
anywhere
Your little black book only contains names
ending in 'MD'
Your children are beginning to look
middle-aged
Your mind makes contracts your body can't
keep
Your knees buckle and your belt won't
Your
back goes out more than you do
You sink your teeth
into a steak, and they stay there
You know all the
answers, but nobody asks the questions.
Featured
in Harmony Magazine
September 2005
To
commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, 2004, actor
and singer Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the
American Association of Retired Persons (AARP). One of
the songs she performed was 'My favourite things' from
the classic film, The Sound of Music - but with
new lyrics. When she finished, she got a four-minute
standing ovation from the crowd. Here's what she sang:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for
knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental
fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and
glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in
glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with
swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones
creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember
my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so
bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn
pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked
with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals
they bring,
These are a few of my favourite
things.
Back pains, confused brains, and
no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and
hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our
short shrunken frames,
When we remember our
favourite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And
then I don't feel so bad.
Featured in
Harmony Magazine
August 2005
Attending
a wedding for the first time, seven-year-old Jane
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in
white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness and
today is the happiest day of her life," her mother
explained, trying to keep it simple. The child thought
about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the
groom wearing black?"
Featured in Harmony
Magazine
July 2005
Two silvers were neighbours
in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she
a widow. They had known each other for several years.
One evening there was a community supper at the big
activity centre. The two shared the same table and were
sitting across each other. He finally gathered enough
courage to ask, "Will you marry me?" After about six
seconds of consideration, she answered. "Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges,
they went to their respective homes.
Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say yes or no?
He couldn't remember. With trepidation, he phoned her
and asked: "When I asked if you would marry me, did you
say yes or no?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why,
I said, 'Yes, I will'." Then she added, "I am so glad
you called because I couldn't remember who had asked
me."
~ * ~
A
70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, Dharampal, shows
up at the Gymkhana Club with a breathtakingly beautiful
25-year-old. Everyone in the room is stumped by her
youthful appeal. His buddies corner him and ask, "How
did you bag the trophy girlfriend?" Dharampal replies,
"Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over. Now,
they want to know, "How did you persuade her to marry
you?" He says, "I lied about my age." His friends
respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were
only 50?" Dharampal smiles and says, "No, I told her I
was 90."
~ * ~
After
an exceptionally long dinner speech, the speaker scolded
his secretary, "Why did you write such a long speech for
me? You saw how bored those people were." The secretary
replied, "Sir, I didn't write a lengthy speech, but I
made one mistake. I gave you all three copies of the
same speech."
Featured in Harmony
Magazine
June 2005
Three
elderly gentlemen were talking about what their
grandchildren would be saying about them 50 years from
now. "I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was
successful in business'," declared the first man. "Fifty
years from now," said the second, "I want them to say,
'He was a loyal family man'." Turning to the third man,
the first one asked, "So, what do you want them to say
about you in 50 years?" "Me?" the third man replied. "I
want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his
age'!"
~ * ~
One
day, a man walked into a dentist's office and asked how
much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth. "Two
thousand rupees," said the dentist. "That's a ridiculous
amount," the man said. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist said, "if you don't use an
anaesthetic, I can knock it down to Rs 1,500." "That's
still too expensive," the man said. "Okay," said the
dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the
teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with
charging Rs 300." "No," moaned the man, "it's still too
much." "Hmm," said the dentist, scratching his head. "If
I let one of my students do it for the experience, I
suppose I could charge you just Rs 100." "Marvellous,"
said the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
~ * ~
One
evening, two elderly men were sitting together on a
porch. One said to the other, "You know Manohar, if you
think about it, we are not that old. My memory is still
very good." As the man said this, he knocked on the
wooden chair beside him. "Actually, as sharp as ever."
After a couple of minutes of silence, the first man
started to talk again, saying: "So, is anyone going to
get the door, or do I have to do it?"
Featured in
Harmony Magazine
May 2005
A priest
parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and could not find a space
with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield
wiper that read: "I have circled the block ten times. If
I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US
OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation
from a police officer along with this note. "I've
circled this block for ten years. If I don't give you a
ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO
TEMPTATION."
~ * ~
Two
silvers were discussing their husbands over tea:
"I
do wish my Satish would stop biting his nails. He makes
me terribly nervous."
"My Pratap used to do the same
thing," the other woman replied. "But I broke him of the
habit." "How?"
"I hid his teeth."
~ * ~
I
married a younger man,
Twenty years younger than I
am,
I figure it like this:
If you can't find a
good man,
Then raise one!
Unknown
Featured in Harmony
Magazine
April 2005
An
elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to the
parking lot, found four young men leaving with her car.
She dropped her bags and drew her handgun, screaming
loudly, "Get out of the car, scumbags!" The four men got
out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to
load her bags into the car and get into the driver's
seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried again, and then it dawned
on her. A few minutes later, she found her own car
parked five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags
into it and drove to the police station. The sergeant to
whom she told the story pointed to the other end of the
counter, where four pale young men were reporting a car
jacking by an elderly woman described as less than 5 ft
tall with glasses and curly white hair carrying a large
handgun.
~ * ~
Three
old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The
wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in
hearing each other. "It's windy," said one. "No, it's
Thursday," said the next. "So am I," said the third.
"Let's go and have a drink!"
~ * ~
A
married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating
their 35th anniversary. A fairy appeared to congratulate
them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to
travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and
the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He
said: "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So
the fairy picked up her wand and the husband was
90.
Featured in Harmony Magazine
March
2005
Three old
ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various
things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really
forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of
the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just
come up or was about to go down." The second lady says,
"You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on
the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I
was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady
smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's
always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a
startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
~ * ~
An
elderly couple were having problems remembering things,
so they decided to go to their doctor. After checking
the couple out, the doctor told them that they might
want to start making notes to help them remember things.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up
and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied,
"To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of
ice cream?" "Sure," he said. Then his wife asked him,
"Don't you think you should write it down?" "No, I can
remember that, " he replied. "Well, I also would like
some strawberries on top. You had better write that
down," his wife said. "I can remember that," he replied.
She said, "Well, I also want whipped cream on top. You
had better write it down." Irritated, he said, "I don't
need to." He went into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a
plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a
moment and said, "You forgot my toast."
~ * ~
A man
and his wife were having difficulties with their memory.
They visited a doctor who was reputed to have great
success in this field. A few weeks later they were
chatting with a friend about it. Their friend said he
was having problems with his memory also, and asked for
the name of the doctor. The husband said, "You'll have
to help me here a little with my memory technique. Uh,
let's see, a flower, long stem, uh, thorns..." "Rose,"
the man guessed. "That's it," the husband said, "Hey
Rose, what's the name of that doctor?"
Featured
in Harmony Magazine
February 2005
A couple
goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding
anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his
eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're
celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies,
"No, I was thinking about the time before we got
married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and
said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I
didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free
man!"
~ * ~
A
woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on
his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you
look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy
life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he
said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty
foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the
woman said. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six," he replied.
~ * ~
A
young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal,
and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman
carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted
out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had
half of them. Then, he poured half of the soft drink
into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat
watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young
man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they didn't have to split
theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been
married 50 years, and everything has always been and
will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked
the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's
his turn with the teeth."
Featured in Harmony
Magazine
December 2004
While
proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a man
led the way into the living room. "What is the big brass
gong and hammer for?" one of his friend asked.
"That
is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How does it
work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said, and
proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with
the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other
side of the wall: "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's TWO in
the morning!"
~ * ~
A man
walks into a bar after a day at the office, sits down
and orders a beer. He grabs a handful of peanuts from
the bowl on the counter while sipping on the drink, and
as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, "That's is a
beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE
choice!"
Wondering who would make such strange
comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him
who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he sips
and munches some more.
Next, he hears a voice:
"Those shoes are stylish. Are they Italian leather? They
look great!"
He whirls around again but sees no
one near him. He glances nervously around and then at
his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the
stool. Wondering if he's drinking too fast, he grabs
another handful of peanuts. This time, the voice
continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an
Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the
waiter over and says: "Look. I keep hearing these voices
telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look.
Is my drink getting to me?"
"Oh," the waiter
nonchalantly replies, "Those are just the peanuts, sir.
They're complimentary."
Featured in Harmony
Magazine
November 2004
In a
trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand. The witness was a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked: "Mrs Arora, do you know me?" She responded: "Why,
yes I do know you, Mr Sharma. I've known you since you
were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife
and you manipulate people. You think you're a big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not
knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and
asked: "Mrs Arora, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied: "Why yes, I do, I've known Mr Shekhar
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and
has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated
on his wife with three different women; one of them was
your wife. Yes, I know him." The defence attorney almost
died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the
bench, and quietly said: "If you idiots ask her if she
knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
~ * ~
An
elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a
number of years. He went to the doctor, who fitted him
with a hearing aid that allowed him to get back his
hearing completely. The gentleman went back in a month
to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can
hear again." The gentleman replied: "Oh, I haven't told
my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my Will three
times!"
Featured in Harmony Magazine
October
2004
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