Celeb animals tell Ranjit Lal their side of the story on World Environment Day

 
Apart from being at loggerheads with each other, we, the human species, seem to be clashing horns with most members of the animal kingdom that share our environment with us. Here, to commemorate World Environment Day, various celebrity animals put their point across and suggest ways by which we can live in harmony with them.

Harmony: Let’s start with you tigers! You must be happy that your numbers are rising so fast thanks to Project Tiger. There was a recent report that one serial tiger mom has had over 25 cubs….

Tigers: Oh sure, and not to mention expressways passing through our bedrooms and vast swimming pools being constructed for us by linking rivers…. Are they also part of Project Tiger? And yes, it’s so wonderful in national parks and sanctuaries to be surrounded by 50 or more gypsies, crammed with humans shouting and yelling and exuding clouds of BO and halitosis. All they want is to see us and take selfies: why the heck don’t they go to the zoo for that? And let it be known: we do not tolerate selfies. We demand one tourist—preferably all fat—per selfie.

Sloth bear: At least they want to see you. No one comes looking for us. That’s why we have to charge at them with slavering jaws and demonic roars!

Chital: You guys have anger management issues. As for us, all they want is to watch us being chased and being brought down by Sherji over there…. They should ban venison too: those guys seriously need to go vegan, like right now!

Blackbuck: Yeah, but that’s part of the natural system. Look at what happened to us. We gave cheetahs a run for their money, so you humans got rid of cheetahs. Now we have celebrities getting after us. Are you going to get rid of them?

Harmony: But you have to admit it hasn’t been all bad. Look at the kind of protection rhinos are being given, almost like what the PM gets. Shoot-at-sight orders for poachers and whatnot….

Rhino: And why? Because you imbeciles all over the world believe you can have even dizzier honeymoons if you consume our horns and are busy ripping them off us. You’ve already overrun the world and are supposed to be the smartest of all living things. May we point out: our horns are made of compressed hair and the only thing you get by eating hair is a hairball!

Elephant: As for us, you say we’re hugely intelligent and have incredible memories and then you pull out our magnificent tusks to carve pretty dolls. I mean one could understand if you took our brains and swapped them for your own pathetic ones!

Rhino [grinning]: Not to mention they use your legs for wastepaper baskets and tails for flywhisks. How dignified is that!

Wild boar [snorting]: And we’re declared vermin. We can be shot any time—even here. And everyone knows how delicious we are! Even we do.

Tiger [licking his chops]: Don’t remind me!

Monkeys: Yeah, but look at you wild boars: a sight for sore eyes what with all those bristles and tusks and rootling about in the mud. But they’ve declared us monkeys as vermin too. I mean us! For God’s sake, we’re just like them. Go to a zoo and stand outside the monkeys’ enclosure and you won’t be able to tell whether the monkeys are outside or inside! We make faces, they make faces, we grunt and glare, they grunt and glare…they smoke and they give us cigarettes and beedi and matches….

Lion: [Huffily] I think we’ve been insulted the most! Everyone calls us Indian loins, not Indian lions. Indian loins are wimps; let me demonstrate. [The fellow growled and our correspondent had to rush to the bathroom pretty quick.]

Harmony: Now, now, there’s no need to get agitated. Cool down ji; a glass of sherbet?

Leopard: Heh, heh, actually we have plans for you humans. We’re moving into the suburbs. You may mob us and beat us but we’ll still be coming. Remember, when you’re sleeping, we may be sneaking in, licking our chops, thinking about your children and Pomeranians!

Ant: You guys are just too big for your own good. Look at us: Trillions of us, weighing more than all humans in the world. And when our armies march…. So if you humans want to live peaceably with us, watch where you put your feet.

Cockroach: But hey, first you guys have to stop fighting among yourselves. Not that we mind. Just remember, after Armageddon we’ll be the ones inheriting the earth. Now think about that as a legacy! What will folks on other planets think?

Crocodile: I don’t get why you guys first scream with horror and call us gross and ugly, and then make fancy handbags out of our hides for your ladies.

Harmony: So how do you think we can develop a better relationship between us?

Animals: Just keep one thing in mind: we run the world. If you get rid of us, you’ll go down too. You guys called it MAD, or mutually assured destruction. But if we get rid of you, the world will just go on and be a better place for it. So you can see the temptation for us.

Harmony: But there are so many animal and nature lovers in the world, people who have dedicated their lives to studying you and saving you and photographing you, and putting you on National Geographic and Discovery and Animal Planet.

Animals: Sure, with programmes called Animal Fight Club and Wild Killers, and so on. Matters between us will only improve when all of you become like us. Then, we’ll agree you may have a case. At the moment we’re just biding our time. So as you can see, you guys have your work cut out.

Harmony: Thank you for this very enlightening discussion. I’m sure we’ll be talking about it again, next year, when World Environment Day comes around once more.

The writer is an author of fiction and non-fiction for children and adults who are children

Photo: 123RF.com
Featured in Harmony — Celebrate Age Magazine
June 2017

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